Oct 26 - Quito, Ecuador

My stomach hurts. There's a rumbling that I cannot explain. An eruption ready to occur at any moment. I don't know if it's something I ate, drank, or if it's the start of something more serious. But it's fitting given the way Quito has treated me so far.

Quito is the second highest capital (behind La Pas, Bolivia) at above 9k feet. It's cold here and a sharp contrast to my previous destinations. Yesterday I wore double long sleeves, a down jacket, rain coat, and poncho as I cruised through the historic district in the pouring rain.

When I began planning this trip, I knew I wanted to settle down in Ecuador to study Spanish and volunteer for a bit. I said so mostly due to price, as it's much cheaper here than central or other parts of South America. To put things in perspective, I can get a private room with breakfast for $19 a night and a fixed lunch or dinner for $3 including drink, soup, rice, sides, protein, and sometimes desert.

I arrived five days ago thinking I'd be able to find programs on the ground and/or meet others that have done something similar. I've stayed at two different places and haven't run into many other travelers. I tracked down the highest rated schools, but after visiting multiple run down and empty locations, I was ready to give up. 

Finally, I decided to turn to the Internet and found a non-profit organization that offered all of the above. It felt too good to be true but it was easier than wandering the streets in the rain and cold looking for a lead on one or the other. For around $41 a day, I could get lodging, four hours of Spanish classes, and two meals a day. Sounded good! I was also placed on a project doing land restoration in San Cristobal (Galapagos islands) in November. Great! I even offered to help at a daycare here in Quito while I took Spanish classes... It was all set. They were going to pick me up today. And then the hidden prices and fees started rolling in. $150 here, $75 there, plus the cost for lodging and classes. They wanted me to pay over $700 in cash upfront and didn't answer questions I had on the school or the family I was being placed with, or reasons behind the sudden increase in fees..

I didn't feel good about it so backed out of the program and was quite thrown off. Five days planning this in a city that's been somewhat cold to me (in more ways than one), and now I suddenly had no plans, no place to stay and no idea what to do.

Head to the Amazon? Jump a bus to Baños and do some hiking or climbing? Both were options but it was difficult making up my mind on one or the other.

By 3pm I was slightly panicked and ready to take a random bus anywhere and start over, but decided to go for a walk and think things through before doing anything drastic. I suddenly remembered another school I had received a response from a few days prior. I took a gamble and called the owner on his cell. We rushed my application through and as of tomorrow I will be a student at ISE - Instituto Superior de Español. He said they don't have many foreigners in the program at the moment, but he could place me at a family's house for the night and they'd take me to school in the morning.

Done! School and immersion is happening.

Not much else to share. I went to a couple of the old Spanish churches and walked around a lot, but that's about it. Like I said in a previous post, a bunch of slow days that lead to the good stuff. I have no doubt this will pay dividends in the long run. And no matter how bad my stomach feels now, I know it'll pass. As do most annoyances.. Just have to be patient.

Something happened..

Yesterday I received a note from my mom informing me that something happened in the family. My cousin's son was on his way to school early in the morning when he got into a car accident. It was a head on collision and the car burst into flames. He didn't survive.

I don't know how many of my family members read this blog, but know that my heart aches with you. Thousands of miles away and I am broken inside too. The thought of his loss of life and your undoubted pain feels like something is wringing the emotions from my heart and pushing them out my eye ducts. He didn't even have a chance to walk his own path and seeing how close he was is so heartbreaking.

People process the news of death differently. My initial reaction was to make sense of it all, until I realized I could not. I related his life to mine and wished I could trade everything I am doing now and give him a few more years so he could finish school and carve out a life of his own.

But I know that's not the way life works. Wishes, should haves, and could haves. There is only action. Liam wasn't blessed with more time. But we are, at least for today..

Hug those closest to you and cherish your time together, for this moment is a gift that can be taken away at any second.

Today I mourn and embrace the pain with my family from afar. Tomorrow I walk forward and push harder to make every moment count in his memory.

Oct 22nd - Jamaican me lazy

When I got home from the canal, there was a message waiting - "can you meet me in Jamaica? I won't take an excursion so we can spend some time together..." It was my mom and I knew I had to try again.

That next morning I took the first flight out of panama and found myself sitting in Jamaica at an ocho rios hostel by late afternoon. I could see the cruise port from the beach, just down the street from the hostel. Everything was set to meet my mom in the morning and I was there ready and waiting at 9am sharp.

When we finally found each other, we were both so happy. Not only to catch up and spend time together, but to exchange goods as well.

My mom and I had been coordinating since I arrived. There were things at home that I wanted, and things here that I didn't need. The most important being my hiking boots, and the most thoughtful being that breakfast sandwich she snuck off the ship for me.

The rest of our time we spent running around ocho rios being tourists. We saw the blue hole, had some jerk chicken, and  just caught up. It was nice to take a break from it all and spend the day doing things together.

She was gone by 3pm and I was back to figuring out what to do next.

Jamaica was not a country on my list of places to visit. The beaches are beautiful, the hills and mountains are serene but the hustle is really strong. I've never been in a country where you question the motives and integrity of almost every person you encounter. Kindness seems to come with a price tag here and it's a little much. The drugs, the everlasting scent of ganja. The street kid that walks you home trying to sell you an ounce of weed for $20. The restaurant owner that has no small bills so puts a few grams of marijuana on the table instead.. It's an interesting culture. Slow paced, so chill, that I feel like an overachiever just writing this blog.

I had some pretty great memories though and some scary adventures. Like the day I rented an old scooter with shotty steering and suspension. I got run off the road into loose gravel wearing a tank top. I didn't want to turn around even with the road rash and tiny rocks burrowed beneath my skin, so carried on towards the beach only to get pinned down by a pretty big storm. Riding back at night, through flooded streets on the left side of the road wearing a tank top was not the smartest move, but I made it back okay with enough energy to explore the nightlife with some new friends.

The next day I rented a more modern scooter and rode up through the hills and country. It was a 1.5 hour ride each way and a lot of fun. It didn't take long to get accustomed to the passing etiquette and spotting large potholes along the path. People were helpful in pointing out directions and it was a perfect solo adventure to see some of the real Jamaica I had heard so much about.

I've spent the past five days here in Negril and thought about heading over to Kingston, but know that my time in Jamaica must come to an end. I need to head south if I'm going to make it to Antarctica by the end of the year. There isn't enough time to head back to Panama either, so the San Blas islands and Colombia will just have to wait.

Up next, Ecuador. I've been looking into Spanish immersion programs and family home stays. If I'm lucky, I'll visit the Galápagos Islands and get some diving in too.

Oct 14 - stories from the wheel deck

Today was that day. You know that awesome one that puts all the other crap days in perspective. I got the opportunity to do a ride along with a tugboat captain in the canal today. And I got to steer the ship for a bit. 

*ahem* let me rephrase... 

I drove a tugboat down the Panama Canal. 

Like whoa, really?! That totally just happened.

It started when I arrived at 7:30am. I wasn't sure who I was supposed to meet or what he'd look like. I just knew I had to be in Diablo by 8.

I got there early and was escorted around until landing a seat in the captains lounge. I felt like a hidden camera, set in the corner to detect my own awkwardness. Their spanish was too fast. I could barely pick up a word or two at a time. There were 11 seats pushed against the different walls of the room. If you looked quickly you might assume they were in a circle. The door would open every few minutes and a new man would walk in and greet the room before tossing his bag into the corner and taking a seat. By 7:50 all the seats were filled and most of the captains were in full group conversation while I sat there nodding and chuckling along figuring that was my best disguise.

The man seated next to me got a call. It must have been about me because he turned shorty after and introduced himself. Captain SM, a well groomed Panamanian man, sat in silence with his hands clasped without saying another word following the introduction. I figured it was his morning routine, so continued observing the room in silence.

Around 8:30, we got into a van where his crew was already waiting. Not many words were shared as we made our way towards the docks. It was there that I got my first glimpse of the Pacora.

When I first heard I would be riding along in a tugboat I didn't expect it to look like a hovercraft that my childhood self would have drooled over.

Once we boarded and the captain got setup, the silence was broken. He invited me up to the wheel deck and gave me an overview of the day. I learned about the boats, their purpose and their positioning along the canal. We talked locks, origin of the vessels and tracked the status of the boats that were assigned to us.

After a quick peek down into the engine room, we were pushing off and approaching our first ship. I had never seen one from this angle before. The size alone was enough to make me hold my breath as we pulled up next to it and tied on.

I was so struck by everything around me that i wasn't sure where to focus my attention - the captain, the ship, the canal, the water...

What an amazing experience.

For our second ship, we had to head further north, probably about 30 minutes out. The captain asked if I wanted to learn how to control the boat and I jumped at the opportunity. Weaving along the canal, trying my best to stay in position and avoid other ships/tugs heading south. Drove for 20 minutes. Probably the most memorable 20 minutes of this trip so far and something I will never forget.

To the captain and the new friends I made that helped set this up - thank you for allowing me a glimpse into your lives and for the amazing experience. I have so much respect for what you do.

Oct 11-13 - a whole bunch of misses

Oct 11 - Going out with your new friends one last time before hitting the road definitely has its perks. You can drink, dance, hug and celebrate the week worth of memories up until the wee hours in the morning. You can also wake up late and miss your pre-paid bus ride..

Which is what happened to me. 

I needed to be back in Panama City to meet my mom so there was no turning back or staying extra days. The public bus route was my only option. 

All 13 hours of it. 

I didn't have a place to stay, so I went with the most well known hostel in casco viejo, Luna's Castle. I got in past 10, and took the only spot left in a 10 person dorm. They put me in a box. Like an actual box with a curtain and a number. At this point I didn't care, I had slept well on the bus and just needed a place to be until the morning. Below the hostel was a club. Club + box = laying in a speaker.. with the heat on. I didn't sleep. More like fully clothed heated yoga to hip hop. 

Oct 12 - Don't stay at Luna's... Ever! I only say this because I saw one of my roommates in the morning complaining at the front desk with bites everywhere - back, arms, you name it. I'm assuming she had bed bugs, but the grosser part was watching the receptionist shrug it off like it was her problem not theirs. I was glad I opted out of sleeping there and rebooked the apartment where this whole trip started. I just needed a place to store my stuff for a few days, so being comfortable with the area and environment helped. 

That day I ended up being offered a very lovely olive branch from a coworker's family member who invited me over for some football and a home cooked meal. Such lovely people to go out of their way for me like that. I don't think they know how much I needed it given the past 24 hours but the gesture was so kind and I enjoyed the company. 

Oct 13 - today is the day I'm supposed to meet my mom! Or so I thought.. Bus to the ghetto two hours up, two hours back. Colon. Every time I mentioned the city name to locals and/or travelers they'd say, "don't go there". But I wanted to see my mom, and so I went.

I sat and scurried around our designated meeting place for 5 hours. I guess she had gone on an excursion that took longer than expected and missed the window to see me. I only know this because I asked the guard and he told me that I couldn't go through. He actually laughed at me for trying. When I saw the buses pulling in, and knowing that I couldn't get through I was actually hit with a lot of emotion as I thought through everything I had been through to get to that moment. All these visions of a big hug, having a meal and catching up with her that were never realized. But I knew in my heart she did everything she could to be there. It just didn't work out, and that's how life works sometimes. 

On the bright side, I was now an expert on busing back and forth to colon.. 

(So close yet so far..) 

Oct 14 (Preview) - Today was that day. You know that awesome one that puts all the other crap days in perspective. I got the opportunity to do a ride along with a tugboat captain in the canal today. And I got to steer the ship for a bit. 

*ahem* let me rephrase... 

I drove a tugboat down part of the Panama Canal. 

Like whoa, really?! That totally just happened. But.. I don't have time to write about it just yet because I have a last minute flight to catch in the morning.

To be continued...

Oct 14 - stories from the wheel deck

Oct 15 - mom part II - yeah mon

Oct 10 - Spanish by the Sea

This past week I stayed on isla colon, the main island in Bocas Del Toro. The strip felt like many other beach towns lined with small markets, restaurants, and budget hotels. Sprinkled between were dive shops, surf schools and numerous street stands selling various flavors of the same tourist trinkets. During the day, you could feel the hustle of the vendors trying to land you as part of an island tour - each sizing you up to see if they could squeeze that extra dollar out of you. At night, pretty girls walked the streets handing out fliers for ladies night, while a fellow on a bike rode by and gauged your leisurely interests by whispering "weed, weed, weed..."

I always assumed these types of places were best for weekend stop overs or for the unmotivated stoner types. But behind the facade of everyday tourist show and tell was a small charming community of people just enjoying life.

Traveling alone, I would've completely missed all of this. I could easily have shown up, done an island tour, said meh.. And then off to the next destination searching for the prettier beaches. But something was telling me to settle down here for a bit, and I'm so glad I did.

I enrolled in a weeks worth of classes at a school called Spanish by the Sea. With sessions starting at 8am daily, it made sense to get a room there. I opted for a single dorm and ignored the mildewish smell that came free of charge.

The sense of community was something that's been missing from my travels up until this point. There were some small cliques of friends with many students coming from either Switzerland or Germany, but in general everyone was friendly, inviting, and trying to achieve a higher purpose - learn Spanish! This filled our days with classes from 8-noon, afternoon activities, group meals/outings, and late night homework.

I quickly settled in with three of my classmates and another girl that was traveling alone. We found all sorts of hidden gems, including daily yoga with a teacher that had a major toe fetish and that used to be an exotic dancer. Every time we'd finish a pose, she'd howl and cheer in support of our efforts. Her energy was quirky but infectious and we found ourselves there night after night.

We had favorite restaurants, markets, snacks and often found ourselves scratching in unison talking about sand flies and mosquitos in disgust. Day trips to the beach, nights out, nights in, cooking, jam sessions, study games, hammock lounging and even deep personal conversations with a few.

I had forgotten what that was like and realize now how important community and companionship are in happiness. They allow you to open up in a way that's just not possible when you're alone. You get to share your gifts with others which in turn brings out the best in you. 

I wanted to stay longer, but hope to see these great people again one day. To Michelle, Laura, Stephan, and Rutger - if you read this.. Safe travels my friends and thank you for your companionship. 

Oct 5 - all fixied

New life.

The days are getting more exciting. I feel reborn with purpose. Life is opening up and the experiences are following.

Today I just needed to get out and move. Every day has been rice, plantains, bread, chicken, beans, ceviche, fish, and/or pringles. Maybe I was really mourning the loss of my old life. I mean, I locked myself away with a bag of cookies and guava pastries the other night for goodness sake.

This morning I was on a mission. I was going to find a bike and ride around the island before my spanish test this evening. I walked out of my room, ready to roll and it's pouring. No problem, I thought, I'll just change, pack light, this will clear up..

I found a guy on the street with a bike for hire - $7 all day, fixed gear cruiser. This'll do. And off I went.

Hey look, there's a sign for a beach 18km away, I can do that! Giddily peddling the crunchy gears as my clothes soaked all the way through.

Oh nice, look at the lovely beach to my right! This was a great idea! Beep, beep, beeeep!! A car sped by nearly running me off the road. My handle bars spun upwards. Hmm this'll be interesting.

Beach turned to jungle as the well paved road cut up into the hills. Stalks of bamboo created a sheltered cove over the road in their best imitatation of overgrown broccoli.

Snap! My chains slipped off the gears as I approached my first hill. Beep, beeeeep.. A bus violently zoomed by almost pushing me into the bushes.

Greasy, wet, and now walking my bike up the hill. Oh look, a nice winding downhill section to ride.

Whoosh, the wind presses into me, rain drops stick to my skin as if riding through a misty cloud of luke warm milk. The splatter is so strong I can no longer see through my glasses.. Wait, brakes! No brakes?!

Snap! The chain goes again. I'm wobbling out of control. The handle bars come undone. I can't turn! I put my feet down to try and gain traction. Beep beeeep... Look, there's a hill. Walk the bike. Random dog chasing me. Loud chirping. Pothole. Snap!

And so the story went - 1.5 hours of slipped chains, loose handle bars, winding roads, dodging traffic, rain, hills and using my feet to manage speed.. But I made it to bocas del drago and it was worth it.

Left the bike and hiked another 15 minutes along the coast.

And got to swim with a bunch of these

Not too shabby for a Sunday.. But next time I'm checking the brakes first.

I felt so light and free following my ride and placement test, that I decided to do something drastic. Sometimes you have to let go of the physical in order to embrace the new. So, without further adu..

I look like my dad... The handsome bald fella he is!

Oct 4, 2014 - catching up

Sept 28 - Leaving Santa Catalina

Traveling has become easier. I met some locals last night in Santa Catalina and they showed me a new way to experience the town. We met shop and restaurant owners, ate from secret menus, and hung on a private beach watching lightning strike far over the pacific. It was a hidden culture that I'm guessing not many get to see & I feel lucky.

When I left Santa Catalina this morning, I held a new confidence. There were four buses between Boquete & me. No other tourists, just locals, me, and each bus presenting its own set of challenges. The longest leg by far was the public transport from Santiago to David.

I was seated next to a local / indigenous looking elderly woman. She had strong facial features and wore a bright traditional orange dress (I later found that she was part of the Ngäbe Buglé tribe). As soon as the bus left, I could tell she was tired and before I knew it, she was leaned against me and falling asleep. The space was small and I was uncomfortable, but I tried my hardest not to move. Three hours later, she woke, looked at me and smiled.

I did not show her the picture I snapped when my arm fell asleep...

Sept 30 - Boquete

I've arrived in Boquete, and the weather has shifted. Being in the highlands has brought cooler temperatures and more rain. When I arrived, I needed to find a place to stay and could only wander so far in the downpour. I eventually settled at the main hostel in the square and was met with something I did not expect - english first/spanish second.

It was not the language that surprised me, it was my reaction to it. I did not welcome it for some reason. I noticed all the backpackers, the packaged tours, the ex-pats... But I also saw the indigenous people and the lush land that surrounded. For the first time I felt the conflict between native culture and tourism and it hurt me deeply.

Hate is a strong word, but I felt something strong like that. Something inside me has shifted since my last travels. Everything that used to offer me comfort on the road is somehow doing the exact opposite and I don't understand why. I am not sad or angry. I am confused and find myself hiding and searching for purpose. For the first time, I can see everyone outside of myself and that awareness is creating conflict within me.

Oct 1 - cliff notes

I've shifted my focus off others and started looking at myself. I feel lost and without purpose; I need to listen to that. I am struggling to find balance - why?

I kept thinking - I don't want more fast friends, so why would I rush to go out and talk to people? I'm not really trying to make it around the world so why would I hurry to be anywhere in particular or want to be booking excursions all the time? So if I'm not here to meet people and I'm not here to be somewhere, then what do I do with my time?! Without goals, and without definition of success, I was in a weird pickle.

I catered to activities that used to offer me comfort at home like climbing & hiking but still I was retreating from others and not engaging with my environment.

I guess I had put so much thought into getting to this moment that I didn't prepare for what it would be like to be on the road.

But I have something now that I've never had while traveling in the past - a very tight circle of friends available to help me figure it out..

Watching my interaction with them has helped me find balance. We are mirror images of one another and the advice we give each other is often the advice we need to give ourselves.

I've been reminded that not all parts of travel are glamorous. It never has been and it's never going to be. In fact a lot of it sucks up until you get to those great moments that make it all worth it.

I've been told that I am dreaming. Stuck in my mind and missing the moments that matter. That I haven't let go of my path getting here or the need to share my stories with all the people at home.

That I am not free because I can't stop thinking about what I "need" to accomplish... When in truth - I have already accomplished everything and all I need to do is listen and just be.

Mirror images of one another...

That was the key. I was looking at others and not seeing what my feelings were telling me about myself.

Seeing that made all the difference.

I have to remember, this is not a vacation. I am here to work and push myself. Of course it's going to be tough and confusing. All that matters is how I adjust.

(Serious post but climbing was still a blast! Fingers all cut up, and still sore 3 days later = good session!)

Oct 2 - my birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 34. It feels like any other day, but here I am in bocas del toro, the islands on the carribean side of panama. I did not do anything special today except ride a bus and take a speedboat to get here.

But for the first time since leaving LA, I feel awake.

I've been watching myself closely. All the negative feelings I've had towards my surroundings are a reflection of me. I know that now and have recognized what I've been telling myself.

I was looking for a journey more meaningful than any I've ever taken before. I was trying to create it and rejecting ideas of people and activities that didn't fit the mental mold I had imagined. Obvious control issues.. I have let that go.

I was also frustrated that I was not able to communicate and connect with other people the way I wanted. Rather than continue with the trend and/or hope to pick up broken spanish over the months, I've decided to settle down here for a week and enroll in Spanish school before going much further. I feel good about the decision and am pretty excited for the birthday present to myself.

As an added bonus - I've made sure to forgive myself. I thought I was stronger walking into this and am quickly learning the feeling of humility again. Goes to show how much growth I still need but I can embrace that.

All good stuff!